I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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