The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize