I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
