A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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