He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
