we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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