there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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