Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
