If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
