if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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