i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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