U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So squirting runs in the family.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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