Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
