I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
