Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
