kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
