Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
People in love make me want to vomit
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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