my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
