I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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