Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Two words: blizzard sex
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
