i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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