awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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