Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
