Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
