dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize