The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
