sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
