Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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