i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
