a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
