I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
