I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize