I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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