Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
