Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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