My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
