why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
