3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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