I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
