Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
