Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
