I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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