The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize