the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
