a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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