what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we're making bets on your personal life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
