I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
