You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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