dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
