I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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