All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
