i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize