I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
