Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
