ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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