I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
