the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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