Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
