I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize