my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
