you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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