My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
