ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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